by Rex Ungericht
SCENE: Talk show. The host sits behind a desk with an empty couch beside it. An announcer stands off to the side.
ANNOUNCER: And now for something completely different -- a man who can poo from other people's bottoms.
HOST: Well then, that's it, is it? Let's have him out. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Mr. Daffy Cate.
[APPLAUSE AS GUEST ENTERS AND SITS ON THE COUCH]
HOST: Well then, Mr. Cate -- may I call you Daffy?
HOST: Well, then, Daffy, so you can poo out of other people's bottoms, can you?
GUEST: That's right, I've never had to sit on a toilet for my entire life.
HOST: Well, then, um, how, um, exactly does it work?
GUEST: Well, whenever I need to go I just pick out someone around me, focus, and they run off to the restroom while I go on about my day.
HOST: Well that certainly would be a time saver. But really, I find it somewhat difficult to believe that you can actually have someone else squeeze your cheese, so to speak.
GUEST: Let me ask you this. Have you ever had to go suddenly when you didn't expect it? Have you ever gone, and then had to go a second time shortly thereafter? Have you ever sat on the pot and thought "good gracious, what the hell did I eat?"
HOST: So you're saying...
GUEST: It's me, yes.
HOST: Still, these things happen all the time. Are you saying that it's always you?
GUEST: Well of course not, I would have to be full of it pretty much 24 hours a day for it to always be me. But there is one thing...
GUEST: I would like to apologize to everyone who pooped for me when I was sick. That can't have been much fun.
HOST: No, I suppose not. But really now, do you really expect us to believe that you can use other people as surrogate poopers?
GUEST: [JUST STARES AT HOST, WHO BECOMES WIDE-EYED]
HOST: We need to break for commercial...now!
ANNOUNCER: Going to break in 4...3...2...
HOST: Too late.
[CUT TO NEXT SKIT]