Elf

Original Song: "Bitch" by Meredith Brooks

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I love the workshop life
Get to hang around with Santa and his wife
Let me tell you
That it borders on amazing
How we make so many toys
For the girls and boys

Yesterday I tried
Telling Santa that the union has denied
His demand that all the elves participate
In the reindeer games
Our HMO won't cover us if we pull up lame

I'm an elf, not a jock
I've got pointy ears like Spock*
And I wear these funny clothes
With sleighbells on the toes
I make toys, it's a knack
I fill up Santa's sack
You know I wouldn't want it any other way

But this you must believe
Gonna start a labor strike on Christmas eve
Rest assured that I can always work at Keebler**
If I'm terminated here
So Santa change your mind
Let us stick to our career

I'm an elf, union boss
Wished I looked like Legolas***
And I've got a funny voice
Like some pubescent boys
I am short, I am small
I'm useless in a brawl
You know I haven't known it any other way

Just when you think that everything is fine
The fat guy becomes a schemer
It's good that I got us organized
And into the teamsters

I'm an elf, don't be scared
Got a grievance to be aired
If you don't accept my offer
You might end up like Hoffa****
Let's sit down, make a deal
It's one you can't appeal
You know you can't refuse my offer anyway

I'm an elf, and I'm tough --
What's that? Santa's called my bluff
He will let us keep our perks
If we get right back to work
So I'm here, making toys
For all the girls and boys
You know it couldn't end up any other way

* Spock was the pointy-eared Vulcan on the original Star Trek TV show.
** Keebler is a cookie manufacturer. Their commercials feature cookie-making elves.
*** Legolas is an elf in The Lord of the Rings.
**** Jimmy Hoffa was a teamsters union boss who mysteriously disappeared in 1975. It was assumed he was killed by the Mafia.